Feeling Stuck in Anger? Drop Your "I'm Right, You're Wrong" Narrative
We all get angry, but sometimes, our anger grows out of proportion, and we feel stuck in our angry reactions. You may have trouble falling asleep and keep rehashing how you feel insulted by a passing comment your friend made a day ago. A random driver may honk at you and drive away, but half an hour later, you're still thinking about what you could've done to get back at the driver. You may have just gotten out of a fight with your partner and are seething angrily, "Why are they so stubborn? Why don't they understand me?!" You stay up late, searching everywhere on the internet to find ways to win your arguments.
You're not alone in this struggle. Many of us find ourselves in a cycle of escalating anger and feel trapped. The "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative often fuels our angry reactions, leading to a sense of being stuck. Today, I want to share a story that resonates with this universal struggle. It's the first part of the movie The Red Turtle. This story underscores the importance of stopping the "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative in navigating anger that escalates out of proportion. Here it is:
(image source: movie The Red Turtle)
The story from The Red Turtle is about a man hit by a storm in the ocean. He gets stranded on an uninhabited island with a bamboo forest. He attempts to escape the island on a raft he makes from bamboo. But an unseen force hits the raft fiercely and breaks it shortly after he sets sail, forcing the man back to the island. He tries two more times, but the same thing happens. He finds out that it's a giant red sea turtle that has destroyed his rafts. Infuriated, he tries to fight the turtle off, but he soon discovers how defenseless he is against the turtle. He retreats to the island, frustrated and stuck.
The man sees the red sea turtle crawl up the beach that night. Still fuming, he reacts to the turtle violently, hitting it on its head with a bamboo stick. He then flips it onto its back and strands it under the scorching Sun. The turtle dies. Regretful of his actions, he lies next to the dead turtle at night and falls asleep. When he wakes up, he's surprised to find out that the turtle's shell, dried out, has cracked open. A woman lies in it, unconscious. He takes care of the woman by building a shelter and providing her with water. One day, it rains, and the woman wakes up...
Enacting the "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative escalates anger and keeps you stuck in it.
Let's look at the story from a metaphorical and psychological perspective. Perhaps, like the man hit by the storm and stranded on an uninhabited island, you've had moments when you feel overcome with anger. You can’t stop thinking about what’s happened. The more you feel you're right and the other person is wrong, the angrier you become. The angrier you are, the narrower and more extreme your narratives get. You lose solid footing and end up on an "island" with limited (mental) space and resources.
Once you enact the "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative, you'll find it impossible to de-escalate your angry reactions. Like the man trying to escape the island and fight past the red sea turtle, you may think fighting the views and actions of whoever you're at odds with will get you out of your angry reactions. But this proves to be futile. For example, you may try to convince whoever you're angry with that they're wrong, only to intensify your conflict. You may defend your position and not hear what others have to say, only to drive a bigger wedge into your relationship. You may tell yourself to take deep breaths and calm down. Still, after a temporary relief of 5 minutes, you revert right back to your anger-fueling narratives, "I'm right!" "I know better!" "How dare they!" “They’re wrong!“
As you keep escalating in anger, you may lash out and blame what you think gets in your way, like the man violently hitting the sea turtle and ending up killing it. You send a mean text to your friend. You believe the random driver is against you. You yell at your partner. But like the man quickly finds out, feeding into your angry reactions may feel cathartic and even satisfying for a short while; deeper down, you don't feel good about yourself. You wonder if you can break free from the perpetual cycle of escalating anger.
The solution to de-escalating your angry reactions is clear: stop your "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative.
This narrative only serves to fuel your anger, keeping you stuck in a cycle of escalating emotions. The hard truth is that angry reactions that grow out of proportion are generated from your inner psychological patterns, not from anyone or anything outside of you. No one or nothing "makes" you this angry. By recognizing and stopping this narrative, you can regain control over your reactions and find a path to a clear mind and effective communication. A few critical elements in becoming unstuck in your intense anger are:
completely withdraw blame
recognize your internal narrative with the message: "I'm right, you're wrong," however subtle it is
stop your "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative
find empathy for yourself and others
Interestingly, in the story, when the man stops his violence against the red sea turtle and shows remorse for what he has done, the dead turtle becomes a living woman. This transformation symbolizes the power of stopping the enactment of a "me vs. you" narrative and finding empathy for oneself and others. It reminds us that we can recognize the humanness in others and ourselves in difficult times. But we must first feel the hurt we create when we escalate in anger and get in touch with our conscience.
For those familiar with psychoanalyst Melanie Klein's work, she regards it as a developmental milestone in children when they transition from a "paranoid-schizoid position" (simply put, a type of split attitude of "me vs. others," "good vs. bad," and "right vs. wrong") into a "depressive position" (the capacity to recognize how they hurt others and have remorse for their hostility). The same applies to us adults.
"But how do I stop the 'I'm right, you're wrong' narrative?" You ask.
When a narrative is deeply ingrained, you may find it challenging to stop acting out of it. I want to repeat the hard truth I mentioned above: angry reactions that are out of proportion are generated from your inner psychological patterns, not from anything or anyone outside of you. So, next time you feel stuck in anger, I encourage you to turn inward and notice the quality of your narrative instead of blaming others for your reactions.
Once you recognize the self-righteous quality of your narrative, I want to give you an image to hold onto. Imagine your thoughts that fall under the "I'm right, you're wrong" narrative are like the red sea turtle climbing onto your island. Though they may feel like an intruder, they're not. You don't need to run away from them or fight against them. You can choose to witness them, "Oh, here they come again," and not engage. My Zen teacher likes to say, "Don't deny it; don't supply it." This is a memorable phrase to recall in moments of intense anger.
Even better, you can cultivate a relationship with your red sea turtle. How? Please stay tuned to my upcoming blog posts, which continue telling the story of The Red Turtle and discussing emotion modulation, self-reflection, and self-growth. You're welcome to schedule a 15-minute consultation with me here if you'd like my help in working through perpetual anger. Until next time!
