Once, a friend and I walked in the park next to the Brooklyn Bridge in the evening. A security guard whistled at us when we walked on a path leading to the water. Both my friend and I tensed up a bit, and we knew we could not continue walking on the same path, so we turned to the main road. After walking on the main road for a while, we saw that the path to the water was closed. My friend said, "The security guard was helping us! I thought he was a bully and didn't want us to do what we wanted."

Without knowing the security guard's intention, my friend assumed that he was maliciously targeting us, and she was irritated. Another person in the same situation might not have been bothered. Or they might have made a benevolent judgment on the security guard's intentions and would not have become frustrated.

Have you had a similar experience? For example, you assume that others are unfriendly or even hostile to you; you feel that you are powerless and that the world is a big, cold, and harsh existence; you think that you have no choice in life and can only passively accept what people do and how things go; you find it difficult to say "no" to others because you want to keep the peace, but you feel resentful and may even explode unexpectedly; you think that it is always someone's fault and you or others should be blamed when things are not going well ……

This chronic sense of powerlessness, passivity, righteous anger, resentment, and hopelessness may come from a "victim mentality."

What is a "Victim Mentality?"

1. To start with, a "victim mentality" is an unconscious mental process in which you view yourself and others in particular ways. Unlike your usual conscious thoughts and behaviors that you easily notice, a mentality is more like the roots of a tree deeply buried in your psychology that you are unaware of.

Though you cannot see the tree roots in plain view, their existence can be traced. You can tell what kind of tree it is through the branches, leaves, and fruits that emerge from the roots. For example, you may not think, "I want to act like I'm not responsible for anything," or "I plan to feel sorry for myself today." Still, you may wake up each morning with worries and stress, feeling uneasy and anxious, and thinking uncontrollably, "My boss is going to trouble me again," "Life is so tiring, why can't I lie down and do nothing," and so on. It is as if you can not help but feel that others, even the whole world, impose their will on you, and you have no control.

2. More specifically, a "victim mentality" is an unconscious tendency to put oneself and others in oppositional positions, believing others have ill will towards oneself. If you live with a "victim mentality," you tend to see yourself as innocent, unfairly treated, and wounded, assuming the upsetting situations have nothing to do with your actions and are caused by others' deeds. A type of "I'm right; you're wrong" conviction.

Unlike real victims, a "victim mentality" is an involuntary and rigid way of looking at oneself and others that has nothing to do with whether one has been hurt. Although you may be unaware that you live with a "victim mentality," such a mentality shows itself in all aspects of life, regardless.

You may think others have an easier life than you. You may see yourself as the one being taken advantage of in social interactions. You may feel that you will get in trouble, but cannot cope with it, and therefore live in a state of stress, passivity, or numbness. Or you may be convinced that you have been hurt, should attack back, and believe that the other person deserves to be attacked, making it challenging to maintain good relationships.

The Central Park birdwatching incident from a few years ago is a perfect example of the escalation of a "victim mentality." Christian Cooper, a Black birdwatcher, pointed out that Amy Cooper, a White dogwalker, needed to put her dog on a leash. Not only did Amy Cooper not take any responsibility for her behavior, but she also felt that Christian Cooper was hurting her and her dog, made threats, and called the police. Her actions attracted anger rather than sympathy from the public and resulted in legal consequences.

How is a "Victim Mentality" Formed? 

1. No one is born with a "victim mentality." Someone with a "victim mentality" is highly likely to have been a real victim of bad treatment or witnessed parents or caregivers acting as victims growing up.

Let us go back to the friend I mentioned in the beginning. Her dad was moody and unreliable and had alcohol problems. He frequently lectured and criticized her since she was a child. My friend's mom often quarreled with her dad. Still, she accepted the unhappy marriage because her mom believed that my friend needed a "complete family" with both parents. My friend was under the influence of her chronic fear of her irritable dad and her mother's passive attitude of not taking responsibility for herself. She found it difficult to believe the world is friendly and safe, rarely took responsibility for her emotions, and felt she could not change the status quo or achieve her goals.

As an adult, my friend frequently felt that her boss was picking on her and finding faults with her. She felt stressed at work, but at the same time, she believed that she had to stay in her current position for a living. A phrase my friend often used was, "She (my boss) makes me feel stressed/nervous/angry…" She attributed her emotional reactions to her boss. She denied these emotions were hers, which would have sounded like, "I feel stressed/nervous/angry."

Unintentionally, my friend put herself in a passive position and felt controlled by her boss. Though I do not know what kind of person my friend's boss was, even if my friend's boss was unfriendly and emotionally manipulative, my friend's complaints, self-blame, and reluctance to speak out and make changes did not help her. She became increasingly exhausted, powerless, hopeless, and resentful.

2. Besides family life, social and cultural influences can also give rise to a "victim mentality."

My psychoanalyst once said to me, "I’ve never met a woman who doesn't have a victim mentality." In the 2,500-year-old patriarchal culture, women have been disrespected, objectified, and considered inferior.

Although we are making progress, it is impossible for women not to be affected by such cultural immersion and inheritance from generation to generation. It is normal for women to think that life is unfair, that they are not respected, and that they cannot get what they want as women.

Similarly, in the literature I recently read about Chinese culture and psychoanalysis, one scholar reviewed the past 250 years of Chinese history, including the Opium War, the Civil War, the Anti-Japanese War, the famine caused by the Great Leap Forward, the Cultural Revolution, etc. He asserted: "Not one Chinese hasn't suffered psychological traumas."

After such intense wars and political brutality, I can easily imagine that some people have become deeply insecure, have trouble trusting others, feel that they have suffered great injustice in seemingly small situations, or believe they have no control over their lives.

How Do I Change a "Victim Mentality?"

1. Recognize that changing is not easy.

To make any changes, you must realize that you need to change, and changing a mentality is complicated because you may not know that you need to change. We tend to take a familiar mentality as our genuine attitude and true identity. For example, we may not realize that we view ourselves and others from a "victim mentality" and firmly believe we are a victim. If someone disagrees with us that we are a victim, we will think that this person has no empathy, does not understand us, and even wants to hurt us — "You’re just like the others!"

2. Recognize the consequences of not changing.

When we act out of a "victim mentality," however, we will react to our disadvantages when problems arise, such as frequently blaming ourselves or others, exploding in anger after being passive for a long time, or becoming indifferent, cynical, cold, and hardened. In these reactions, we gradually erode our respect for ourselves, decision-making ability, and the quality of our relationships. We create a vicious circle of even greater passivity, powerlessness, low self-esteem, resentment, again consolidating a "victim mentality."

3. Determine to change and take action.

When you realize that you tend to see yourself as a victim, you have made a big step towards change. However, it is not enough to just know it; you need to decide to change and take action. In my work with patients, I emphasize the power a "victim mentality" has on us, the importance of our determination and practices of change, and our willingness to grapple with ourselves.

In Greek mythology, the hero Odysseus had to pass through the sea on his way home after winning a battle. The sea was known for its sirens, which sang irresistible songs to the sailors, luring them to their demise. To pass through this sea, Odysseus commanded the sailors to plug their ears, tie him to the mast, and tell them that no matter how he shouted or demanded, they should not untie him, thus successfully passing through the sea.

A "victim mentality" is like the sirens' songs, with mighty force to allure us. It is easy to give in without struggling. Still, once we give in to the mentality and see ourselves as victims when we are not, we do not engage in our ability to effectively solve problems, take responsibility for our lives, and only feel worse about ourselves. The keys to Odysseus's success are that he remembered the fatal consequences of heading in the direction of the sirens, he had a group of sailors who shared his determination to succeed and were unwilling to give him short-term gratification, and he was willing to bear the emotional tension and grapple with himself, however difficult it was.

When the enchanting songs of a "victim mentality" start, you need to remember the consequences of aligning with a "victim mentality," seek help from people, including therapists, who are committed to helping you change, even when you protest to do the opposite, and do your best to resist following the allure. You may still “lose”, but your psychological capacity gradually increases each time you make all-out efforts to resist the temptation — this in and of itself is good practice for treating powerlessness and resentment and improving self-esteem.